I know, I know, there’s no such thing as a Stupid Question but I’m getting the feeling that there might just be a category for Unnecessary Questions. Even more so now that we have Google, I fear I might never have to ask a good question ever again, that the Q & A sections of seminars and talks on ‘How To’ and “What For” might forever become redundant as a result.
Since spending time with lots of people from all walks of life I get to interact and converse with a broad range of humans and have developed a high level of tolerance for many things, having to share a home with what I refer to as my uninterviewed housemates (my own children) they have come up with a few real gems of their own. I love me a good chinwag as much as the next garrulous person but there are some questions that tend to make me want to climb the walls, here are few – feel free to add your own, if you have any.
- What are you doing? This from someone who is watching me brush my teeth. Okay the someone is 6 years old and has only been brushing her own teeth for about 5 years but STILL it doesn’t look that much different 30 odd years down the line! I get asked this while I’m driving, eating breakfast, stuffing the washing machine, loading the tumble drier, swimming, walking, reading, doing downward facing dog etc.
- Did you call me? As I hoarsely croak out a ‘yes’ after having yelled for an hour and then gone and stood next to the person and said their name 20 times in a normal voice.
- Is that for me? A cup of coffee, one cup, that I feel I might deserve after a morning of working (earning money working), tending children and managed some kind of housework. Or a sandwich, slapped together, just like I like it and am about to take a bite or a sip. Clearly, ‘No, it’s mine’.
- Really? I’m not going to pull my punches on this one – it’s a pet Hate! If I’ve introduced myself (which I’ve had to do a lot lately since we have relocated to a new town) and you’ve asked what I do (as small talk would dictate) and I answer you honestly with my career choice of the last 12 years and you ask me, “Really?” – the look in my eyes is murderous, it makes me want to answer, “No, not really, I lie about my job, I’m actually a serial killer – and you’re next.” Or, we don’t have any pets and you ask, “Do you have any pets?” and I say, “No, we don’t” and you say, “Really?” “Except for the pachyderm and the marsupial, no, none, none whatsoever!” – there’s a special place in hell for this way that people think is a way to continue a small talking conversation.
- Did you come here? I have arrived at my destination, I am standing before you – are you being rude and alluding to the fact that I might have just had an orgasm on this spot?
- Is that it? I say, “this is the sandwich I made for you” (yes I do sometimes cater for other people apart from my selfish self), ‘Is that it?” as you point to the only sandwich on the plate. “No, that is Winnie the Pooh that I had the 2 year old crap out for you”.
- What do you call that stuff? This is usually accompanied with a gesticulation and a face. It is just you and I in an empty room and your gesticulation looks like you might be making candy floss in a sugar spinning machine but your face is saying that the stuff to which you are referring might be gross – so it’s not candy floss. What could it be? I don’t know what ‘stuff’ is so I would not know what to call it. Perhaps if you described it in words we could try and work it out.
- Have you seen my dingus? No thank you and I don’t want to. Usually, I must admit, it’s my filthy mind and you might be referring to your cellular telephone but then gesticulate the universal language for telephonic handset not ask me if I’ve seen your thingie.
- What’s for supper? Who cares, not you, since I made it and that’s what you’ll be having or not having since you’re a nasty bunch of fuss pots who live on cheese and crackers anyway. I hope one day that my children will write their own blogs on the spectacular culinary failure that their mother is – I’m not really, it’s just 2 underaged peoples opinion. According to them I haven’t made anything awesome for them to eat since they quit breast feeding.
- Are you sleeping? Surely if there is no response to this question then it is in the affirmative. Repeatedly asking it louder while poking the ‘sleeper’ will prove that that person is awake – “Mom, you are such a liar” – I get that a lot, but I think they’re meaning that I like to to lie down making me more of a lie-er than a person prone to untruths. Attached to this question is usually it’s little brother asking, ‘Are you awake?’ – they have all their bases covered in the Stupid Question section.
- Do you know where my (insert name of misplaced item here) is? My bog standard answer usually includes a cartoon character, I like to make it fun for the person who thinks I know where their stuff is. For example: “It’s swinging from my left eyelash playing Tarzan.” or “Why don’t you check down that hole in the garden, I think Bugs Bunny took it.” or a personal favourite, as I close my eyes and put my fingers to my temples, “Ooooooooommmmmmm, please Casper, if you can hear me, please tell us where the dingus is.”
These Questions will no doubt continue and I will get older and more crotchety about them, I wonder if Medical Aid will cover my high blood pressure medication for this obviously chronic condition? Really? What am I doing? I think I’ll go and have a nap, not sleep or be awake and wait for the feeling to pass.