A View From My Point

Posts tagged ‘Christmas’

30 Crafty Christmas Hats for The Tribal Meeting In the Desert 2011

Every other years Christmas is traditionally held at one of the homes of my Mother or her siblings. There are Five of them (they call themselves The Big Five –  because they are Big and Wild and of course, because there are 5 (Five) of them). This rota makes up a good system over a decade and leaves very little space for maneuvering as it is Set In Stone since their Mother (My Ouma) passed away when she got up for a cup of tea one morning while she was on holiday in our house – but that’s a story for another blog.

This year The Tribe will be gathering at my parents home in The Karoo – a semi desert area (really semi desert not a REAL desert where it’s entirely desolate but close enough) – it is going to be Hot! Temperatures of above 35 degrees Centigrade are the norm and we can expect higher. We are of European descent – not the lovely Mediterranean European but the pasty pink white kind, the kind that doesn’t flourish in the sweltering section. French, German and Irish to be exact – not that it matters since those ancestors are so far back in the archives all we really have of them are the remnants of their pigmentation – well some of us do, it seems there might have been some infidelity among the natives when the Huguenots landed on these Southern Shores since I have some Uncles, a Sister and a Daughter that have what can only politely be called ‘Strong’ skin. They’re going to handle it fine and I’m happy for them.  But, I digress.

As one of the Hostesses apparently legitimate offspring it has been thrust upon me to make 30 (thirty) Christmas Hats for the revelers, varying in age and head size between the living years of 67 (most senior Grandad) and less than 12 months (no offense to the cousin involved but I can’t keep track of the prolific propagation of this Tribe).

Don’t get me wrong, this task might not have been forced into my lap – I more than likely volunteered but I was plied with wine by my Sister who knows my weakness for a good Sauvignon Blanc and this same Sister has a way of sweeping one up  into being highly motivated to Party (yes with a capital) – an admirable quality when one owns and runs a restaurant but not so much when one is being delegated to – I believe this is what makes her such an excellent addition to the Entertainment Industry, her ability to Delegate (she does that with a capital D too).

And so here I sit, sparkly pipe cleaners, Christmas baubles, tinsel  and cardboard in Red and White (it’s the Theme – please note the capital) all still in the brown paper bag that I bought them in a week ago. Am I cutting and gluing and humming Michael Buble under my breath while I nibble on mince pies? – no. I’m thinking up ideas to perhaps have a ‘Crafting Table’ where those who would like a Yuletide head piece could make their own? Could I sell to them that it’s too hot to wear hats, over 80% of ones own body heat needs to escape through the top of ones head – surely in this desert climate one shouldn’t be wearing a hat? And while you’re eating, isn’t it rude to wear a hat at the table?  If I didn’t come up with something soon, I thought, I’d better get cracking on the crafting. And then I read this post :  by The Good Greatsby – http://wp.me/p1ngBd-1bB (I hope I’ve done that right, if it doesn’t ‘click’ to him then please do yourself the favour and go and have look with your normal search engine technique  –  I will get lessons in Internet one day – at the moment I’m bumblingingly self taught by Google and good Samaritan IT people).

So those of you that are reading this blog that are going to be at the Gathering, (what else could explain my audience of 37?) – I can get one of my kids to draw something that’ll outshine any hat that I can muster over which we all will ‘ooh’ and ‘ah’ for the 3 days of Festivities. Since most of the Elders have given up smoking and drinking for a while now, in the interest of being able to host the most Tribal Christmas parties – that’s not going to generate much interest. So, I’m going to need one of you grown ups to do something monumentous – perhaps announce that you’ll be sponsoring us each an overseas trip/paying for the grandkids education. And then, a big favour, if it’s at all possible – could one of my Siblings – you know who you are, at least, at the very least, pretend to be knocked up or in the Brothers case to have the decency to let my Sister In Law walk around with her belly out.

That would save me a whole lot of crafting trouble – thanks, in advance.

Lies We Tell Our Kids – dedicated to ericanexpress

  1. Christmas beetles are agents of Father Christmas so that he can watch you all the time.
  2.  I’m sure that animal next to the side of the road will just shake it off and be right as rain in a couple of minutes.
  3.  If you don’t eat fresh fruit and vegetables then you’ll get scurvy and die like a Pirate sea dog.
  4.  You can touch my laptop when you’re 9 years old.
  5.  If you don’t let me take that thorn/splinter out then it’s going to be taken up into your blood stream and puncture your lung.
  6.  If you stay up too late at night then the Naglug* is going to make you sick.
  7.  No, we can’t go and swim, you have to wait an hour until after you’ve eaten otherwise you’ll sink but you can run in the sprinklers if you want to.
  8. I need you to go and fetch me a leaf from that tree at the bottom of the Garden please and do it like you’re a snail, see how slowly you can move.
  9. If you pick up a tortoise it will pee on you and then die (this one back fired though because the next question to issue from the Eldest was, ‘What do tortoises drink Mom?’ Me: ‘Water’ Eldest,’Then they have to pee’ innocent face, blinking up at me, ‘ do they die every time they pee?’
  10. I’ve also told the Eldest that girls shouldn’t learn to read and write because it’s unnecassary for her to have these skills since girls grow up to have babies and clean the house. Paradoxical intention, has her reading and writing at the age of 5.
  11.  If you swallow a watermelon pip a baby will grow in your tummy. This was awkward when the Eldest asked if Daddy put his seed in my mouth when we announced that we were expecting the Youngest.
  12. 5 am is still Night Time and we should ALL be sleeping – this one doesn’t work.
  13. Injections don’t hurt and antibiotics taste like sweets – this one only works once.
  14. If you aren’t buckled up in a car then it won’t start and then we can’t go anywhere.
  15. When we feel they’ve watched too much tv for a day then we tell them there’s a power failure – how sad that at the ages of 2 and 6 they know what a power failure is.
  16. And when we want to ride our bicycles somewhere we tell them that there is no fuel in the car.
  17. ‘Sweetheart, that is a beautiful song, please can you sing it to me again? Mommy loves the sound of your voice in her ears’
  18. ‘Please close the door behind you, Mommy and Daddy are going to have a nap.’
  19. If we put up Christmas lights then they’re going to short out and burn the house down and we’ll have to live in the car. Ok, technically not a lie since one of them did get a little hot and start melting the plastic needles on our fake pine tree but it stops the nagging once a day.
  20. Nothing that you see on tv is real – except Oprah. And if you want that Barbie then I suggest you give her a call and ask her to hook you up.

And now? Okay so my parenting relationship with my children  isn’t based entirely on trust but it’s so much fun and my children have the imaginations of inventors and people who can change the world without putting too much effort into it.

We’re all going to grow up with issues and since some of these lies are from our own parents and aunts and uncles (see if you can spot the Vintage Lies). I believe that they only sculpted us into the amazing adults we are today – with trust issues, but amazing nonetheless.

*Night Air or Light

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