A View From My Point

Archive for the ‘ABC of Irreverent Parenting’ Category

L is for Lackadaisical

L is for Lackadaisical – what effective parenting is not. If you want to see some quality kids spring forth from your skills you better put your back into it. And remember, it’s not quality time, it’s quantity time.

L is for Love – thankfully they bring their own with them so even if you don’t like them all that much they’re going to love you no matter what.

L is for Light – I’ve been known to trick mine into thinking it was sunset by depriving them of light by placing block out on all the blinds throughout the house.

L is for Limping – there will be no sympathy for you no matter what the injury you have sustained. But if they’ve got a little booboo on their little finger they’ll be limping. It’s not fair. Get Over It. Kiss the booboo and go and set your broken arm with a tennis racket and some duct tape.

L is for Lambasting – I love shouting at my kids and making them cower in fear – it gives one such a sense of Power. I don’t do it too often otherwise they get used to it but to threaten them with a ‘lambasting’ is very effective.

L is for Loose – the looser one is, in the bedroom, the more likely one is to have children – don’t make me take out my diagrams to explain this one.

L is for Literal – that’s what their brains are for too long, sarcasm is wasted, at least until they’re about 8 or 9 years old – keep practising though. Consistency is key!

L is for Lactose Intolerant – what a pain! Not only do they have their own sleep, clothing, bladder and bowel requirements they now also come with all sorts of dietary pre-requisites. Post Natal Depression is so easily explained.

L is for Lips – only a mother and the occasional strong stomached father would accept a kiss from the mouth of a toddler that feeds its own face – milky mushed up biscuits spit, snot and chocolate with a healthy side order of sand pit sand – ‘yum’!

L is for Little – what children seem to be for a hundred years while you’re raising them and they’re growing up and then 18 years later you’ll look back and think, “that was just a blink” but if you did it wrong or right no one seems to want to do it again. I wonder why?

L is for Loser – specifically that song, ‘I’m a loser baby, so why don’t you kill me? Ooooooh hit the floor’ etc…. Barring a case of mondegreen, since I only think those are the words, I hear it every time my kids don’t eat the food that I’ve slaved over a hot stove to make for them or the rare occasions they’ve had public tantrums. In fact I might even have hummed it…… Since they seem to know the tune and will even join in if they’re not too distracted.

L is for Lush – it’s one of my constant day dreams to be highly functional alcoholic and it’ll have to stay that way since I get tipsy off trifle. *sigh* Oh and on the topic of lush, it’s one of the reasons we didn’t name one of our own loin fruit ‘Ruby’ since apparently most kids called by this moniker has a lush for a mum. I’d prefer it to stay a little ‘Mrs Robinson’ secret.

L is for Lactating Let Down – there are too many interpretations of those three words. For me it’s the literal, painful act and physical feeling. As a nursing mother the term really struck a chord with me and to this day if I get to handle a tiny baby when it starts squalling – I swear I can feel it all coming back to me – thus I hastily hand it back to its real nurturer lest I have accident of the ‘leaky boob’ variety.

L is for Licky Eyeball – may there be many testimonies to this! My Mother likes to hold down anyone who will let her and Lick. Their. Eyeball. Yes. Then she runs away screaming and whooping like a school girl. I won’t disclose her real age but I’m no spring chicken. It’s endearing but I won’t miss it when I move her into Shady Pines.

L is for Lap – what a great place to have your hair brushed, a story read to you, a lullaby sung to you, a bit of difficult homework explained. A lap is not something one should ever take for granted. My Ouma was obese – I think she missed having a little more space on hers to share with all her grandchildren. We didn’t notice then and would always clamour up on to the bit of knee that could accommodate us and there we would precariously perch. In fact it wasn’t too shabby because the old girl could play the piano with us sitting there, our noses squished into middle C.

L is for Lisp – why oh why is it necessary to speech therapise this out of a human – it’s the cutest sound in the world. Does it hurt anyone? Is it detrimental to the person who has it? I don’t know – I’m ignorant on such things. If anyone does know; please inbox me.

L is for Last Time – ok, this is the Last Time that you can go and rinse yourself off in the sea. This is the Last Time that you can watch Finding Nemo. This is the Last Time that I’m reading Mouse Noses On Toast or This Is How Much I Love You. This is the Last Time that we’re going to Wimpy/Spur/MacDonalds etc. This is the Last Time that you will be giving me Licky Eyeball. Consistently there does not seem to be any Last Time. And if it is the Last Time – you don’t know it until it’s too late. Being human is an awesome condition to appreciate.

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K is for Kicking

K is for Kicking – I suppose for a lot of us we don’t really realise the impact of offspring until they kick us that first time – and then it really hits home, in the uterus, as it were.

K is for King – if until now, either you or your co-parent thought that you were King of the Homestead – time to readjust that thinking and hand over your sceptre to the tiniest persons with the most power.

K is for Knife – teach them to carry them facing downwards, from early on. They’ll see you using them and want one of their own. Not a plastic one, not a toy one – a great big shiny sharp one. Time to re- arrange your State Of The Art Kitchen.

K is for Kill – the feeling you get when the offspring have destroyed/redesigned something precious to you. Time to re-arrange your philosophy on Materialism. You can go to jail for K is for Kill! Don’t go down that path.

K is for Kangaroo – as in Kangaroo Care, that’s right, while they’re tiny little Joey’s keep them in a pouch as close to you as you can. It’s so healthy for all involved. Know when to let go.

K is for Knowing – nobody knows but you and even then you might not know, so keep checking, it’ll either drive you mad or keep you sane.

K is for Keepsakes – choose wisely the little things you cherish and lock them away because the kids will find them and use them as toys. Alternatively begin to cherish each little crayon mark as art and macaroni jewellery like precious stones.

K is for Kak – inbox me if you really want me to go over this again and do know that when we get to ‘P’ and ‘S’ we’ll be covering the same ground.

K is for Kitsch – Children’s stuff is Kitsch – don’t force your beige habits on them, they will only revolt and become Tretchikoff collectors – would you want that for them?

K is for Kinky – be prepared to get creative as your uninterviewed housemates have yet to learn to knock and one wouldn’t want to scar them for life.

K is for Kiss – as often as you can and while they’re little kiss them! Because they grow up and then they take their kisses with them and you’ll be sorry you didn’t.

K is for Kvetch – Kvetch Mom – read it and laugh/commiserate.

K is for Knight – are you still waiting for yours? He’s going to be a while, go and load the dishwasher, do some laundry, clean a stinky bum, wipe a nose, colour a picture, dance to some songs, watch a cartoon, check your facebook, cook a meal, pack a lunchbox, go and do some money earning work, wash the floor, iron a shirt, run around the garden looking for the one car that your offspring cannot live without, replant your bulbs, replace a lighbulb, put some new batteries in the Mamadoll – is he here yet? No, keep waiting – keep busy.

K is for Kinderegg – expensive sweet bribes worth their monetary value for a half an hour of shopping unharassed stop at the Kinderegg aisle first. (this is not an endorsement – but I owe these clever people a lot in ‘free shopping time’ – not in money, the damn things are expensive.)

K is for KGB – these old style Russian agents are great to model oneself on when one is parenting, they’re not the good guys and they’re not the bad guys but they got the job done, swiftly and smoothly and with a WAY cooler accent. My kids know my KGB accent – it gets results because they’re afraid of the torture of continuing to hear it.

K is for Kind – what we can only teach our kids to be by example. There’s zero point in TELLING them to be Kind you have to be SHOWING them how to be kind. They don’t learn with their ears (handles) they learn with their eyes! Why do you think they love TV so much?

K is for Kist – a place to put all your things until the kids leave home so that you can take them out and use them and break them yourself.

K is for Kilt – if you have procreated then you now know what’s underneath them – mystery solved.

K is for Kindred – if you’re in a family then you have some ready made Kindred Spirits, use them wisely and treat them kindly. K is for

Kindle – ericanexpress has a leather bound one. Book reading has been taken to the Digital Age, now if they could just make plastic and hard board ones for babies – oh wait, maybe the antique ones do still have their uses.

J is for Jingle Bells

J is for Jingle Bells – one of life’s small pleasures is teaching your kids the alternative version eg: Jingle Bells, Batman smells, Robin laid an egg etc. Priceless when they blurt it out in October to the pan pipe version at the local Maul.

J is for Joy – the look on their tiny little faces when you tell them you’re not going to hit them today.

J is for Jalopy – what Mom’s drive.

J is for Jest – ‘many a true word is spoken in jest’ – “Oh Eldest, your brother is just like a slinky, he brings such Joy when one pushes him down the stairs” – oops don’t mention any Jokes you read on the Internets.

J is for Jelly – what sick kids eat.

J is for Jump – did you know that a human being cannot physically, through its own propulsion, leave the earth with both feet until they are around 2 years old? True story.

J is for Junk – the paraphernalia that comes with the territory. From birth until they are ‘out on their own’ and beyond, since they will be sorting and finding boxes of their crap in your home once you’ve shuffled off.

J is for Just – the Co-parents least favourite word eg: ‘I’m JUST quickly going to put this jewel in my jewellery box/make a pee/ boil the kettle/ change this nappy/ put my face on/ jump in the lake.”

J is for Juice – in our house we have two types of juice – it’s called ‘tap juice’ and it is conveniently available from every faucet. For special occasions there is ‘cow juice’ – conveniently in the refrigerator at a child friendly shelf. Remember – ‘There’s no use crying over spilt milk.’ Let them help themselves.

J is for Johnny Walker – once the little things are bi-pedal and ambulatory, this is what they drive you to, since they just keep walking and then they start running – and guess who has to be right behind them? Being inebriated and following toddlers can be interesting but not recommended.

J is for Jam Packed – you will be sorry for complaining about being bored, ever again. As your life becomes a ‘jam packed’ blur of running around after other people – literally.

J is for Joint – I’ve taught the kids to tell me when they want to leave a place to say, ‘Let’s blow this joint Mom.’ – it cracks me up, small things.

J is for Japanese – a good language to learn if you want to have a secret one from your non- Japanese kids. All our attempts at the Roman and Celtic languages have quickly been picked up because of our heritage languages English and Afrikaans. We’re going to make a crack at this one next and if that fails then we’ll try Sign Language.

J is for Jol – so many meanings so little time – but I suppose primarily to Party. “Jolling” probably best interpreted as ‘clubbing’ has very little these days to do with loud music and strobe lights and more and more to do with going to a restaurant that has a modular playground with food to match.

J is for Janitor – for Stay At Home Moms – add this to your Curriculum Vitae and maybe get a job at your kids school where you can stalk them ALL DAY!

J is for Jilted – as in, ‘dumped’ – ones kids should and hopefully will one day ‘jilt’ you for every invitation they receive, down side; you’re going to have to drive them there and back until they’re legally allowed to do it themselves – the idea is not to hold onto them forever but to get them to want to leave, to be independent to the extreme is not the ideal but man oh man there’s nothing sadder for a future spouse to have to compete with the never ending comparison of how awesome it was at their ‘Mom’s House.’ Being ‘that’ Mom might be good for your ego but it’s not good for the spawn you’ve let loose on society.

J is for Joke – Two sausages are frying in a pan, the first one says, “Shoo, it’s hot in here!” and the second one says “Wow, a talking sausage.” – cue raucous laughter every time it’s told. You want them to at least thing they have a great sense of humour because if you’re poor in money that’s the only other way to have friends.

J is for Jet – if you ever want to own one and your parents made the mistake of wanting you to be happy, can I suggest that you force, cajole and bribe your way into getting your offspring careers that will be able to afford the lifestyle that you could never have. It’s never too early for Golf lessons and extra Accountancy.

J is for Jip – Jip the Cat likes to run. See Jip run. Jip is running. Jip is going to drive you round the pip nut – Welcome to How Kids Are Forced to Learn to Read. Who calls a cat ‘Jip’ anyway? Cat’s names are Tiddles and Tom.

J is for Jostling – when you first feel those fluttering little kicks stirring in one side and are moved to tears by the miracle of life one would never believe the amount of kicking and jostling one is going to experience. From those first little shifts to get comfortable they graduate to larger and larger scales of shifting you out of some space that is ‘rightfully’ theirs. Your bed, your spot in front of the tv, your space on the beach (which you manage to keep sand free for 30 seconds), your seat at the dining room table and eventually even the seat behind the steering wheel of your Jalopy.

J is for Jaded – one can only try not to be, it’s inevitable though because while you’re grooming our inheritors of the earth there’s a lot of repetition.

J is for Jik – a bleach, which not only lightens all the germs will kill up to 99.8% of them – it leaves one so little to worry about.

J is for Judge and Jury – so we don’t all have the Wisdom of Solomon but the trick with offering to cut stuff in half is a goody – file it away for future reference and use it as much as possible. Siblings will soon learn to sort stuff out ‘in house.’

J is for Jealousy – it never ceases to amaze me of What children can be Jealous of. Try this at home: Give one child something useless (the experiment is priceless – don’t go and BUY anything!) eg: a used tea bag (cooled down please, don’t be an idiot). Watch child do something awesome with useless item. Add another child. Claim to not have a used tea bag to give to the newcomer. Observe – Jealousy.

I is for Impossible

I is for Impossible – I have a good friend that says he prefers ‘impossible’ to ‘difficult’ because ‘difficult looks like hard work’. Kids are sometimes impossible and sometimes difficult. We have our work cut out for us.

I is for Impi – now a green dinosaur used for entertainment purposes but it used to be foot soldier in the Zulu army.

I is for Issues – if you have no issues then your children will have them all for you. Same if you have a lot of issues then your children will have issues too but not the same ones as you. Issues need tissues.

I is for Insanity – it hereditary, you get it from your offspring. One only needs to spend about 5 years with a new person to realise that they’re not all there. It’s up to the parent to collect as many marbles for their children as one can – of course, just so that the aforementioned children can lose them again.

I is for Illicit – if you want your kids to know something hide it from them. At first you may have to tell them that you’ve hidden something to whet their curiosity. I like to pretend I have a terrible secret – ‘I stole you from some nice rich people’ is a favourite – it makes them appreciate you more, I’m sure.

I is for Ill – the worst kind of offspring – very high maintenance and demanding. Best to try and keep them healthy.

I is for Innocent – children are often described as innocent looking – that’s where it stops and we all know you can’t go by looks

I is for Impatient – what children are for everything! Food, beverages, fun stuff, to go somewhere, to stop you from singing, to stop you from dancing, for the television to be put on, for the dvd to start, for the sun to shine, for it to rain, etc. To change their clothes every 20 minutes (whether they can dress themselves or not) – Children are Impatient – and society doesn’t help with its ‘instant gratification’ philosophy and practise. You just keep breathing – slowly with your eyes closed, lead by example.

I is for Icky – I’ve touched on this before – Children are Icky – from the tops of their cradle crapped skulls to the tips of their oddly shaped and always needing trimming toe nails – go on deny it.

I is for Irk – if you’ve never been irked before try watching The Royal Wedding all day while holding down a Mom Job.

I is for Interesting – this Mom Job might get mundane in it’s repetiveness but it’s always interesting, ones offspring are free variables and even though you’re going through the motions they’re not, it will always be different to what it was yesterday – thank heavens!

I is for Ischial Crest – fancy medical term for Hip – you know, where you carry them until they get too heavy.

I is for Intuition – so you had Woman’s Intuition before you had kids, check out the revised model: Mother’s Intuition! Be prepared to grow eyes in the back of your head, so that you can drive, hand out snacks, change the music and develop X Ray Vision – you will know when they stick their tongues out at you because you can see through walls , Hearing like an Eagle that allows you to know if it’s a ‘good quiet’ or a ‘bad quiet’. A Sense of Smell that can sniff out the stench of a stinky bum up to 5 rooms away. A Supersonic Voice that can be raised and heard if used correctly in conjunction with a Wooden Spoon. And a Healing Touch – seriously, sometimes just holding the little people can take away the pain or break a fever.  Of course these powers only pertain to your own charges and they can’t be transferred for cash but they come in handy nonetheless.

I is for Immune System – this could be included in the super power list because I’ve never known a mother to get sick – not like fathers get sick anyway and certainly not like kids get sick. Immune System – cultivate stronger ones by letting your kids be gross and sticky.

I is for Injuries – kids get hurt, we can only prevent a few of the daily accidents. A First Aid course is never wasted. Kids also heal fast – they have amazing regenerative powers and don’t underestimate the element of Drama that is a part of any proper Owee.

I is for Illustrious – imagine being famous for being a Mom. Having roses strewn at ones feet at the end of each day as you bow to the foot lights after supper and then collect your accolades after all the laundry is done. I suppose Mothering is an Illustrious Career – it’s just invisible and will only be appreciated once your children notice there’s no one to spread their sandwiches for them.

I is for Imminent – Offspring Grow Up, it’s a Fact of Life and it happens faster than you think.

I is for Immature – sometimes it’s not only the inexperienced people in the family that have this trait. One can only hope that it is fleeting for the Adults.

I is for If – yes, it’s an illusion and it’s for children. I love playing “If’ with my kids, “Mom, can I have a TV in my room?” Me: “Sure, IF you grow up and get a decent job and have a nice house, then I’m sure you’ll be able to afford a TV in your room”. “Mom, have you seen my shoes/bag/doll/teddy/car/makeup?” Me: “IF you can’t see them with your healthy young eyes then how can I seem them with my used up old eyes?” “Mom, I think you don’t love me.” Me, “IF you think that, it’s probably true.” “Mom, Stop It!” Me: “IF I stop it then you won’t know what being teased feels like and you’ll grow up without a sense of humour.”

H is for Hello

H is for Hello – what I think your kids first words should be, as soon as they’re born. Come on they’ve been able to hear you since 17 weeks in utero – 6 months is enough to pick up some of the language – and also, imagine how cute!

H is for Hoarse – first from singing lullabies and then from shouting at them to stop shouting

H is for Happy – what you want your kids to be even though you know that it’s not likely

H is for Haberdashery – get thee to thy sewing kit, there will be hems to sew in, buttons to be replaced, teddy bears to be darned (because it’s their favourite), collections of ribbons need a place to live too.

H is for Help – yes, Help, don’t be ashamed to admit you need some.

H is for Horlicks – don’t bother to drink it, you’re not going to sleep for long anyway

H is for Hemp – since you can’t smoke it you might as well wear it and they do a great children’s range these days too.

H is for Holidays – they’re for the offspring now, in Mommyland Holidays are the new 24 hour job and there’s only one shift and one employee

H is for Hats – often what determines the gender of a tiny baby, don’t discount these head adornments, they could save you a lot of fuming over someone saying, ‘oh what a cute little boy’ to ones dearest daughter.

H is for Hirsute – so we tend to ‘let ourselves go’ a little after the birth of each child. Hair removal is an effective way to make a ‘come back’

H is for Heart – they say that when you have children it’s like your own heart gets to walk around outside your body

H is for Handyman – become one, get one – but you’re going to NEED one.

H is for Half – half full, half empty – as long as you have a cup you’re doing fine. The insanity hasn’t kicked in completely.

H is for Hysterectomy – removal of internal organs. Can we wait until ‘V’ and then compare the two procedures and see whose idea this was in the first place?

H is for Has Been – is when your offspring start wearing the clothes that they are currently selling in the shops for young adults and you have a few ‘classic pieces’ that you still wear from High School – there’s no shame it’s call Time Marches On.

H is for Humble Pie – learn to like the taste as you have to eat your words after having said things as a childless person. Mostly the sentence will start with, ‘my kids will never…….’

H is for Hip – no not like ‘Cool’, now it’s a place where your kids will hang out until they get too heavy.

H is for Hankering – like a craving and not as intense but perhaps a little more constant – and instead of food you’ll have a hankering for things like Silence, Peace and Quiet

H is for Hope – I find with little children that one is always hoping for something, that they’ll sleep through the night, that they’ll gain enough weight, that they’ll make good friends easily, that they won’t hurt their siblings too much. Hope doesn’t Hurt.

H is for Hahahahahahahaha – laugh with or be laughed at but get a lot of laughter, it’s good exercise for the face, cheapest way to lift the bags under one’s eyes.

H is for Honesty – I don’t know where this fits in but I suppose there is a place for it between you and the Co-Parent, just don’t overdo it because what they don’t know can’t hurt them.

H is for Hell – if it’s hot, noisy and painful then I think that labour might be pretty close to hell but the ecstasy of having an infant (really just the first hour or so) might be pretty close to Heaven

H is for Heaven – do yourself a favour and dress your offspring like Angels and take photos. We don’t tend to remember the bad stuff and a picture is worth a thousand words worth of memories.

G is for Gross

G is for Gross – really, having kids is really gross – sure it’s beautiful once you look past all the vernix and blood and other gore but it’s really organic, earthy stuff one deals with to birth them. Not to mention themselves, they’re sticky little things, they’re inquisitive so they go and poke gross stuff. This is not their problem, this is your problem.

G is for Get Up and Go – you have to even if you don’t want to most often your Get Up and Go, Got up and Went. Tough for you.

G is for Guilt – it’s been working for Jewish and Catholic Mothers for generations, don’t be afraid to use yours. Offspring are born ‘guilt free’ so it might take a while but by the time they’re in their Thirties you should have a good foundation to work with.

G is for Games – living with little people is a Game for them and it should be for you too. It was a wise woman, who as a ‘Housewife’ was asked how she made it looks so easy, she said, ‘I just play House House all day’ – so get your mind right back to when you were 8 and it was fun to iron.

G is for Giving – that’s all there is – just keep on giving. Try not to think about what you should be getting back. The kids aren’t thinking about what they should be ‘Giving’ you – you’re just going to get what you get.

G is for Grace – say it before meals, it just sets a focus and leads me to my next point

G is for Gratitude – if you’re not behaving like a Grateful Person, your children are not going to behave like Grateful People. When you do bemoan your fate, do it quietly in the cupboard that you set aside for yourself to hide in.

G is for Girls – Mothers are Girls – sometimes you have to do ‘Boy’ things, like taking a gecko out from inside the mosquito net – you’re not squeamish because we wouldn’t want our offspring to thing that we’re Not Brave about silly geckos. But essentially Mothers are Girls means that there must be some time set aside to watch weepy movies,  have painted toenails, shaved legs (both), bubble baths and reading trashy novels. I don’t know how the Single Parent does it but I’m assuming money must change hands for a Babysitter or strong drugs administered so that the Offspring might be sleeping for this Girl Time.

G is for Golden – since you’ve swapped your jewellery for macaroni the closest one comes to this heavy metal will be in Silence. Maybe in the car – before they get in.

G is for Gnome – kids are the same height but they don’t stand still in the garden

G is for Garden – be prepared to have your manicured flower beds invaded by Games.

G is for Goodie Bags – they’re a side effect of the Party. It’s not a competition people – although I do want to go to the one where each of the kids got a mobile phone.

G is for Grabbing – if you have more than one child you can witness this action first hand – for Gnome like creatures they have speed and dexterity in Grabbing.

G is for Gaunt – some people get this from breast feeding their babies. Others, like myself, have to live on air and torture in the form of cardio vascular exercise.

G is for Giddy – it’s from spinning, around in circles, in an open space. Cheaper than wine.

G is for Gay – what it was okay for kids to be before the ‘70’s, what it wasn’t ok for kids to be for about 30 years and now it’s ok to be but it’s not what it used to be.

G is for Goggo – in some languages a bug and in others a Granny

G is for Granny – how fortunate and blessed one is to have a Granny – the more Grannies the better, and it doesn’t matter if they’re good or bad Grannies, our children need to learn from all of them. Our ancestors shape us regardless of whether we like them or not.

G is for Granny – one of the two most dangerous things for a child – the other is a pair of scissors.

F is for Feck

F is for Feck – because you can’t say The Eff Word anymore

F is for Fancy Pants – what you’ll be dressing your kids in instead of yourself F is for Frequent – the amount of trips to the loo for you and the offspring – because it’s not just your bladder anymore. The more kids you have the more bladders you’ll be tending.

F is for Faint – your memories of Life Before Kids

F is for Fallout – what your house looks like after a weekend

F is for Frowning – what babies learn to do first, they only smile later. I think they’re trying to tell us something

F is Frenzy – what a new born can be sent into at the scent of its Mother

F is for Fool – there is no greater one than a parent, first your own and then yourself and then your children – we don’t learn do we?

F is for Fresh – a smell that is now associated with a new pack of bum wipes and not flowers

F is for Flower – ah, how one cherishes that first little mangled bloom held out in a chubby sticky little fist – who needs bouquets from errant Co-parents?

F is for Friends – you can watch the whole box set while you nurse your infants, that is if you allow the tv to be on during this ‘sacred time of mother/child’ bonding.

F is for Family – what you become when you have children.

F is for Fast – how time goes between the age of 3 and the little blighters leaving home.

F is for Fish fingers – did you know that fish had fingers? Well they do and they go great with peas and mash (smash in a packet for the super-fast version). Come on – it’s all Brain Food.

F is for Fastidious – which is just a fancy word for Obsessive, if you’re feeling ‘fastidious’ maybe you’ve been spending too much time with The Baby. Or maybe not enough. Oh no, you’re doing it wrong, oh no what now? Children are permanently your children, you’re going to make mistakes and you’re going to get a lot of stuff right – there is very little Black and White and a serious amount of Grey.

F is for Flashy – be prepared to brag in so many other ways – trading in your sports car for a van will not be one of them. Wearing chunky rings with sharp edges will also fall by the way side as you don your Mother’s Day Macaroni Necklace

F is for Fat – *sob* – all too soon when the little ones can speak they will ask, ‘Mommy, why is that lady so fat?’ Loudly. Within Ear Shot of aforementioned Lady.

F is for Flat – the soles of your shoes – all the better to run after the ones that are already mobile and have not cottoned on the fact that Cars rule the Parking Lot

F is for Facts – get them straight between you and the Co-parent, and stick to them. That is until The Teacher knows better than you do.

F is for Full – Full tummies – GOOD – Full nappies – BAD.

F is for Future – do yourself a favour and have a kind of loose definition of a 5 year plan and watch it change before your very eyes. Kids do that – they’re like a random particle accelerator, you never know what you’re going to get.

F is for Fluffy – blankets, toys, clothes, big draw card for having babies, also something that helps to sell the idea but has no practical application. Fluffy blankets are often Polyester – Kids need breathable cotton. Fluffy toys – you can stock up but usually they only like one of the critters, the ugliest one that can’t be washed properly. The rest become dust collectors. Fluffy clothes – dry clean only – otherwise known as ‘wear once and throw away’. Because who is going to drop off and pick up? Feckin’ Mommy will – that’s Who!

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