K is for King – if until now, either you or your co-parent thought that you were King of the Homestead – time to readjust that thinking and hand over your sceptre to the tiniest persons with the most power.
K is for Knife – teach them to carry them facing downwards, from early on. They’ll see you using them and want one of their own. Not a plastic one, not a toy one – a great big shiny sharp one. Time to re- arrange your State Of The Art Kitchen.
K is for Kill – the feeling you get when the offspring have destroyed/redesigned something precious to you. Time to re-arrange your philosophy on Materialism. You can go to jail for K is for Kill! Don’t go down that path.
K is for Kangaroo – as in Kangaroo Care, that’s right, while they’re tiny little Joey’s keep them in a pouch as close to you as you can. It’s so healthy for all involved. Know when to let go.
K is for Knowing – nobody knows but you and even then you might not know, so keep checking, it’ll either drive you mad or keep you sane.
K is for Keepsakes – choose wisely the little things you cherish and lock them away because the kids will find them and use them as toys. Alternatively begin to cherish each little crayon mark as art and macaroni jewellery like precious stones.
K is for Kak – inbox me if you really want me to go over this again and do know that when we get to ‘P’ and ‘S’ we’ll be covering the same ground.
K is for Kitsch – Children’s stuff is Kitsch – don’t force your beige habits on them, they will only revolt and become Tretchikoff collectors – would you want that for them?
K is for Kinky – be prepared to get creative as your uninterviewed housemates have yet to learn to knock and one wouldn’t want to scar them for life.
K is for Kiss – as often as you can and while they’re little kiss them! Because they grow up and then they take their kisses with them and you’ll be sorry you didn’t.
K is for Kvetch – Kvetch Mom – read it and laugh/commiserate.
K is for Knight – are you still waiting for yours? He’s going to be a while, go and load the dishwasher, do some laundry, clean a stinky bum, wipe a nose, colour a picture, dance to some songs, watch a cartoon, check your facebook, cook a meal, pack a lunchbox, go and do some money earning work, wash the floor, iron a shirt, run around the garden looking for the one car that your offspring cannot live without, replant your bulbs, replace a lighbulb, put some new batteries in the Mamadoll – is he here yet? No, keep waiting – keep busy.
K is for Kinderegg – expensive sweet bribes worth their monetary value for a half an hour of shopping unharassed stop at the Kinderegg aisle first. (this is not an endorsement – but I owe these clever people a lot in ‘free shopping time’ – not in money, the damn things are expensive.)
K is for KGB – these old style Russian agents are great to model oneself on when one is parenting, they’re not the good guys and they’re not the bad guys but they got the job done, swiftly and smoothly and with a WAY cooler accent. My kids know my KGB accent – it gets results because they’re afraid of the torture of continuing to hear it.
K is for Kind – what we can only teach our kids to be by example. There’s zero point in TELLING them to be Kind you have to be SHOWING them how to be kind. They don’t learn with their ears (handles) they learn with their eyes! Why do you think they love TV so much?
K is for Kist – a place to put all your things until the kids leave home so that you can take them out and use them and break them yourself.
K is for Kilt – if you have procreated then you now know what’s underneath them – mystery solved.
K is for Kindred – if you’re in a family then you have some ready made Kindred Spirits, use them wisely and treat them kindly. K is for
Kindle – ericanexpress has a leather bound one. Book reading has been taken to the Digital Age, now if they could just make plastic and hard board ones for babies – oh wait, maybe the antique ones do still have their uses.