J is for Jingle Bells – one of life’s small pleasures is teaching your kids the alternative version eg: Jingle Bells, Batman smells, Robin laid an egg etc. Priceless when they blurt it out in October to the pan pipe version at the local Maul.
J is for Joy – the look on their tiny little faces when you tell them you’re not going to hit them today.
J is for Jalopy – what Mom’s drive.
J is for Jest – ‘many a true word is spoken in jest’ – “Oh Eldest, your brother is just like a slinky, he brings such Joy when one pushes him down the stairs” – oops don’t mention any Jokes you read on the Internets.
J is for Jelly – what sick kids eat.
J is for Jump – did you know that a human being cannot physically, through its own propulsion, leave the earth with both feet until they are around 2 years old? True story.
J is for Junk – the paraphernalia that comes with the territory. From birth until they are ‘out on their own’ and beyond, since they will be sorting and finding boxes of their crap in your home once you’ve shuffled off.
J is for Just – the Co-parents least favourite word eg: ‘I’m JUST quickly going to put this jewel in my jewellery box/make a pee/ boil the kettle/ change this nappy/ put my face on/ jump in the lake.”
J is for Juice – in our house we have two types of juice – it’s called ‘tap juice’ and it is conveniently available from every faucet. For special occasions there is ‘cow juice’ – conveniently in the refrigerator at a child friendly shelf. Remember – ‘There’s no use crying over spilt milk.’ Let them help themselves.
J is for Johnny Walker – once the little things are bi-pedal and ambulatory, this is what they drive you to, since they just keep walking and then they start running – and guess who has to be right behind them? Being inebriated and following toddlers can be interesting but not recommended.
J is for Jam Packed – you will be sorry for complaining about being bored, ever again. As your life becomes a ‘jam packed’ blur of running around after other people – literally.
J is for Joint – I’ve taught the kids to tell me when they want to leave a place to say, ‘Let’s blow this joint Mom.’ – it cracks me up, small things.
J is for Japanese – a good language to learn if you want to have a secret one from your non- Japanese kids. All our attempts at the Roman and Celtic languages have quickly been picked up because of our heritage languages English and Afrikaans. We’re going to make a crack at this one next and if that fails then we’ll try Sign Language.
J is for Jol – so many meanings so little time – but I suppose primarily to Party. “Jolling” probably best interpreted as ‘clubbing’ has very little these days to do with loud music and strobe lights and more and more to do with going to a restaurant that has a modular playground with food to match.
J is for Janitor – for Stay At Home Moms – add this to your Curriculum Vitae and maybe get a job at your kids school where you can stalk them ALL DAY!
J is for Jilted – as in, ‘dumped’ – ones kids should and hopefully will one day ‘jilt’ you for every invitation they receive, down side; you’re going to have to drive them there and back until they’re legally allowed to do it themselves – the idea is not to hold onto them forever but to get them to want to leave, to be independent to the extreme is not the ideal but man oh man there’s nothing sadder for a future spouse to have to compete with the never ending comparison of how awesome it was at their ‘Mom’s House.’ Being ‘that’ Mom might be good for your ego but it’s not good for the spawn you’ve let loose on society.
J is for Joke – Two sausages are frying in a pan, the first one says, “Shoo, it’s hot in here!” and the second one says “Wow, a talking sausage.” – cue raucous laughter every time it’s told. You want them to at least thing they have a great sense of humour because if you’re poor in money that’s the only other way to have friends.
J is for Jet – if you ever want to own one and your parents made the mistake of wanting you to be happy, can I suggest that you force, cajole and bribe your way into getting your offspring careers that will be able to afford the lifestyle that you could never have. It’s never too early for Golf lessons and extra Accountancy.
J is for Jip – Jip the Cat likes to run. See Jip run. Jip is running. Jip is going to drive you round the pip nut – Welcome to How Kids Are Forced to Learn to Read. Who calls a cat ‘Jip’ anyway? Cat’s names are Tiddles and Tom.
J is for Jostling – when you first feel those fluttering little kicks stirring in one side and are moved to tears by the miracle of life one would never believe the amount of kicking and jostling one is going to experience. From those first little shifts to get comfortable they graduate to larger and larger scales of shifting you out of some space that is ‘rightfully’ theirs. Your bed, your spot in front of the tv, your space on the beach (which you manage to keep sand free for 30 seconds), your seat at the dining room table and eventually even the seat behind the steering wheel of your Jalopy.
J is for Jaded – one can only try not to be, it’s inevitable though because while you’re grooming our inheritors of the earth there’s a lot of repetition.
J is for Jik – a bleach, which not only lightens all the germs will kill up to 99.8% of them – it leaves one so little to worry about.
J is for Judge and Jury – so we don’t all have the Wisdom of Solomon but the trick with offering to cut stuff in half is a goody – file it away for future reference and use it as much as possible. Siblings will soon learn to sort stuff out ‘in house.’
J is for Jealousy – it never ceases to amaze me of What children can be Jealous of. Try this at home: Give one child something useless (the experiment is priceless – don’t go and BUY anything!) eg: a used tea bag (cooled down please, don’t be an idiot). Watch child do something awesome with useless item. Add another child. Claim to not have a used tea bag to give to the newcomer. Observe – Jealousy.