Lies We Tell Our Kids – dedicated to ericanexpress

1. Christmas beetles are agents of Father Christmas so that he can watch you all the time.
2.  I’m sure that animal next to the side of the road will just shake it off and be right as rain in a couple of minutes.
3.  If you don’t eat fresh fruit and vegetables then you’ll get scurvy and die like a Pirate sea dog.
4.  You can touch my laptop when you’re 9 years old.
5.  If you don’t let me take that thorn/splinter out then it’s going to be taken up into your blood stream and puncture your lung.
6.  If you stay up too late at night then the Naglug* is going to make you sick.
7.  No, we can’t go and swim, you have to wait an hour until after you’ve eaten otherwise you’ll sink but you can run in the sprinklers if you want to.
8. I need you to go and fetch me a leaf from that tree at the bottom of the Garden please and do it like you’re a snail, see how slowly you can move.
9. If you pick up a tortoise it will pee on you and then die (this one back fired though because the next question to issue from the Eldest was, ‘What do tortoises drink Mom?’ Me: ‘Water’ Eldest,’Then they have to pee’ innocent face, blinking up at me, ‘ do they die every time they pee?’
10. I’ve also told the Eldest that girls shouldn’t learn to read and write because it’s unnecassary for her to have these skills since girls grow up to have babies and clean the house. Paradoxical intention, has her reading and writing at the age of 5.
11.  If you swallow a watermelon pip a baby will grow in your tummy. This was awkward when the Eldest asked if Daddy put his seed in my mouth when we announced that we were expecting the Youngest.
12. 5 am is still Night Time and we should ALL be sleeping – this one doesn’t work.
13. Injections don’t hurt and antibiotics taste like sweets – this one only works once.
14. If you aren’t buckled up in a car then it won’t start and then we can’t go anywhere.
15. When we feel they’ve watched too much tv for a day then we tell them there’s a power failure – how sad that at the ages of 2 and 6 they know what a power failure is.
16. And when we want to ride our bicycles somewhere we tell them that there is no fuel in the car.
17. ‘Sweetheart, that is a beautiful song, please can you sing it to me again? Mommy loves the sound of your voice in her ears’
18. ‘Please close the door behind you, Mommy and Daddy are going to have a nap.’
19. If we put up Christmas lights then they’re going to short out and burn the house down and we’ll have to live in the car. Ok, technically not a lie since one of them did get a little hot and start melting the plastic needles on our fake pine tree but it stops the nagging once a day.
20. Nothing that you see on tv is real – except Oprah. And if you want that Barbie then I suggest you give her a call and ask her to hook you up.

And now? Okay so my parenting relationship with my children  isn’t based entirely on trust but it’s so much fun and my children have the imaginations of inventors and people who can change the world without putting too much effort into it.

We’re all going to grow up with issues and since some of these lies are from our own parents and aunts and uncles (see if you can spot the Vintage Lies). I believe that they only sculpted us into the amazing adults we are today – with trust issues, but amazing nonetheless.

*Night Air or Light