G is for Gross – really, having kids is really gross – sure it’s beautiful once you look past all the vernix and blood and other gore but it’s really organic, earthy stuff one deals with to birth them. Not to mention themselves, they’re sticky little things, they’re inquisitive so they go and poke gross stuff. This is not their problem, this is your problem.
G is for Get Up and Go – you have to even if you don’t want to most often your Get Up and Go, Got up and Went. Tough for you.
G is for Guilt – it’s been working for Jewish and Catholic Mothers for generations, don’t be afraid to use yours. Offspring are born ‘guilt free’ so it might take a while but by the time they’re in their Thirties you should have a good foundation to work with.
G is for Games – living with little people is a Game for them and it should be for you too. It was a wise woman, who as a ‘Housewife’ was asked how she made it looks so easy, she said, ‘I just play House House all day’ – so get your mind right back to when you were 8 and it was fun to iron.
G is for Giving – that’s all there is – just keep on giving. Try not to think about what you should be getting back. The kids aren’t thinking about what they should be ‘Giving’ you – you’re just going to get what you get.
G is for Grace – say it before meals, it just sets a focus and leads me to my next point
G is for Gratitude – if you’re not behaving like a Grateful Person, your children are not going to behave like Grateful People. When you do bemoan your fate, do it quietly in the cupboard that you set aside for yourself to hide in.
G is for Girls – Mothers are Girls – sometimes you have to do ‘Boy’ things, like taking a gecko out from inside the mosquito net – you’re not squeamish because we wouldn’t want our offspring to thing that we’re Not Brave about silly geckos. But essentially Mothers are Girls means that there must be some time set aside to watch weepy movies, have painted toenails, shaved legs (both), bubble baths and reading trashy novels. I don’t know how the Single Parent does it but I’m assuming money must change hands for a Babysitter or strong drugs administered so that the Offspring might be sleeping for this Girl Time.
G is for Golden – since you’ve swapped your jewellery for macaroni the closest one comes to this heavy metal will be in Silence. Maybe in the car – before they get in.
G is for Gnome – kids are the same height but they don’t stand still in the garden
G is for Garden – be prepared to have your manicured flower beds invaded by Games.
G is for Goodie Bags – they’re a side effect of the Party. It’s not a competition people – although I do want to go to the one where each of the kids got a mobile phone.
G is for Grabbing – if you have more than one child you can witness this action first hand – for Gnome like creatures they have speed and dexterity in Grabbing.
G is for Gaunt – some people get this from breast feeding their babies. Others, like myself, have to live on air and torture in the form of cardio vascular exercise.
G is for Giddy – it’s from spinning, around in circles, in an open space. Cheaper than wine.
G is for Gay – what it was okay for kids to be before the ‘70’s, what it wasn’t ok for kids to be for about 30 years and now it’s ok to be but it’s not what it used to be.
G is for Goggo – in some languages a bug and in others a Granny
G is for Granny – how fortunate and blessed one is to have a Granny – the more Grannies the better, and it doesn’t matter if they’re good or bad Grannies, our children need to learn from all of them. Our ancestors shape us regardless of whether we like them or not.
G is for Granny – one of the two most dangerous things for a child – the other is a pair of scissors.