F is for Feck – because you can’t say The Eff Word anymore
F is for Fancy Pants – what you’ll be dressing your kids in instead of yourself F is for Frequent – the amount of trips to the loo for you and the offspring – because it’s not just your bladder anymore. The more kids you have the more bladders you’ll be tending.
F is for Faint – your memories of Life Before Kids
F is for Fallout – what your house looks like after a weekend
F is for Frowning – what babies learn to do first, they only smile later. I think they’re trying to tell us something
F is Frenzy – what a new born can be sent into at the scent of its Mother
F is for Fool – there is no greater one than a parent, first your own and then yourself and then your children – we don’t learn do we?
F is for Fresh – a smell that is now associated with a new pack of bum wipes and not flowers
F is for Flower – ah, how one cherishes that first little mangled bloom held out in a chubby sticky little fist – who needs bouquets from errant Co-parents?
F is for Friends – you can watch the whole box set while you nurse your infants, that is if you allow the tv to be on during this ‘sacred time of mother/child’ bonding.
F is for Family – what you become when you have children.
F is for Fast – how time goes between the age of 3 and the little blighters leaving home.
F is for Fish fingers – did you know that fish had fingers? Well they do and they go great with peas and mash (smash in a packet for the super-fast version). Come on – it’s all Brain Food.
F is for Fastidious – which is just a fancy word for Obsessive, if you’re feeling ‘fastidious’ maybe you’ve been spending too much time with The Baby. Or maybe not enough. Oh no, you’re doing it wrong, oh no what now? Children are permanently your children, you’re going to make mistakes and you’re going to get a lot of stuff right – there is very little Black and White and a serious amount of Grey.
F is for Flashy – be prepared to brag in so many other ways – trading in your sports car for a van will not be one of them. Wearing chunky rings with sharp edges will also fall by the way side as you don your Mother’s Day Macaroni Necklace
F is for Fat – *sob* – all too soon when the little ones can speak they will ask, ‘Mommy, why is that lady so fat?’ Loudly. Within Ear Shot of aforementioned Lady.
F is for Flat – the soles of your shoes – all the better to run after the ones that are already mobile and have not cottoned on the fact that Cars rule the Parking Lot
F is for Facts – get them straight between you and the Co-parent, and stick to them. That is until The Teacher knows better than you do.
F is for Full – Full tummies – GOOD – Full nappies – BAD.
F is for Future – do yourself a favour and have a kind of loose definition of a 5 year plan and watch it change before your very eyes. Kids do that – they’re like a random particle accelerator, you never know what you’re going to get.
F is for Fluffy – blankets, toys, clothes, big draw card for having babies, also something that helps to sell the idea but has no practical application. Fluffy blankets are often Polyester – Kids need breathable cotton. Fluffy toys – you can stock up but usually they only like one of the critters, the ugliest one that can’t be washed properly. The rest become dust collectors. Fluffy clothes – dry clean only – otherwise known as ‘wear once and throw away’. Because who is going to drop off and pick up? Feckin’ Mommy will – that’s Who!